10 ways to beat england

Day 1 of the FIFA WORLD CUP 2010 from SOUTH AFRICA, which is the only name by which ESPN will call it, saw the hosts drawing with our southern neighbors and Uruguay and France play an absolute snoozefest. Speaking of the Frenchies, watching them play reminded me of the same team chemistry seen at Real Madrid, except that at Madrid they actually like each other and eventually score. Every single one of Les Blues thought it was their job to dribble their way to goal or unleash a shot from 40 yards that ended up landing in the waters off Cape Town. The rumors of Anelka and Gourcuff being outcast by the rest of the squad seem to be true, as every time they got the ball they refused to give it up to anyone but the Uruguayan defenders or the spectators.

But I digress. I now give you the United States keys victory, some of which are more realistic than others:

1. Score first. In no way shape or form do we want to fall behind a Fabio Capello coached England, who will be disciplined enough to knock the ball around and kill the game no matter how early they score.
2. Counter-attacks. Yes, everyone and their mom knows thats what we do best. But the nature of England's play is very susceptible to a quick strike. As England floods forward, both their fullbacks (Ashley Cole and Glen Johnson) will be high up the pitch. Since Gareth Barry is injured, the Three Lions are lacking a holding midfielder to shield the back line and we know what happens when Stevie G and Lamps play in the middle together (neither plays defense). Centerbacks John Terry and Ledley King aren't exactly the fastest men on the pitch, so a ball straight up the middle just might free Jozy or whoever starts with him (Buddle or Findley, maybe even Hercules?).
3. Get Wayne Rooney sent off. Jay Demerit said they wouldn't egg him on, but why not? I'm not saying dive cheat and steal, but rattle him up and have him start cursing at the refs again. Pundits are saying that riling up Rooney will just encourage him to work even harder, but come on, its Wayne fucking Rooney; he couldn't try any harder than he does already.
4. Break Aaron Lennon's legs. But even if you do, the same might need to be done to Sean Wright-Phillips. I watched Lennon all season with Spurs and every left back he faced was absolutely terrified of him. He's got pace, trickery, finally can cross a decent ball, pace, and well, um, he's really really fast. Our aging Captain Blackmouth is going to have a torrid time and will need plenty of help from Clint Dempsey. Possibly switch Dempsey and Donovan since Landy D is much quicker. Another option is to bring in someone younger and faster, like Johnathan Bornst--haha seriously why is that guy on the team.
5. Which Dempsey will show up. We need his offense, his vision, and his Premiere League experience. We don't need him lost between the forwards and mids, jogging around half-heartedly. A game of this magnitude should bring out the best in Deuce, and we could see something like this or this. (And you thought I was gonna put the Juventus chip on there.)
6. Test their goalie. Between our posts is the rock-solid Tim Howard, but his opposite number will probably be super-veteran David "Calamity" James. If we can pressure him to do something like this, I certainly will be cheering the loudest when we score.
7. Sing this song: We need something besides the USA! chant that we do for everything American, and the vuvuzelas could be blowing for either team. If Sam's Army starts belting that number we could urge our boys on to victory.
8. Closing down shots. England has a plethora of players (Lampard, Gerrard, Rooney, Milner, Joe Cole) that will gladly find the top corner from 25 yards out if you let them. Timmy is a great keeper, but sometimes you just get beat. Lets make England work for their goals.
9. Center midfield. Bradley will have to be up to his usual high-intensity game, but who is pairing him? Torres brings some much needed ability on the ball and excellent distribution while also being a feisty tackler. Ricardo Clark and Maurice Edu bring some steel and size but they seem to disappear on offense.
10. Don't run out of steam. Altitude, weather, jet lag, blah blah blah, if the US runs themselves tired I can almost guarantee that Rooney will punish us in the 90th minute. Gooch is fresh of injury but doesn't look fit; against Australia Dempsey was subbed out and he looked dog tired, and that was in a game that had the pace and intensity of a penguin match. If we're going to play our normal high octane game then we cannot afford to stop.

Prediction? Hmmm. My mind says England since they have a better coach, better defenders, better midfielders, better forwards, and a better bench, but of course my heart is all for the USA. A loss wouldn't ruin our chances of progressing, but a point or three would certainly make the games against Slovenia and Algeria a lot less nerve-wrecking. A non-biased view has me saying England 2-1 winners, but I would sure love it if I was wrong.